Ya know, things are constantly changing around me lately. I feel like nothing is consistent. I have grown to hate change throughout my life. Well, it's not so much a hate for the change, it's more of a fear of attachment. My life growing up was full of moving and I never really had any friends for very long. I moved to California ten years ago and ever since, I find myself keeping that distance from everyone. Even my fiance. I can't seem to fully accept the fact that I don't have to say goodbye to him soon. With my two sisters leaving by the end of the year, my automatic defense is going up so I won't get hurt. It's going up against everyone. I don't know what to do. I hate feeling like this. I feel like it's programmed into me. Like when change is going to occur, certain buttons in my brain get pushed and I become a robot, shutting my emotions down until the change is over. Then I adjust to the new. I'm driving myself crazy.
I started this blog thinking that I wasn't going to share any negative feelings or thoughts with my readers. I can't help it. I know you're there. I don't know what else to do. How do I change myself to welcome change? It just makes me laugh. I don't know.
I guess we'll just see what happens.... Au revoir.
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